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7.16.2008
7.07.2008
in circles
everything comes back to television for me, i said.
because television is a medium of dramatic performance based off of a script or screenplay someone has written. a screenplay or script should be as honest to the situation as possible, sucking succintly from the teat of full and fruitful foundation of thought while lending as much direction to maintain realism as needed. the better the dialogue and direction is, the more true to life it gets.
there are millions of people watching thousands of different television programs around the world yet of these hundreds and hundreds of talented writers who've found themselves at such major broadcast corporations, not one has delivered one realistic portrayal of real life. and we've spent so much of our time in this technologically dependent generation feeding ourselves at television sets and computers and movie theaters hoping for someone to give us something real for once. every day i hear about a new movie coming out or wrapping up production, or i'll read about some new television pitch and lately i've just been painfully disappointed at what the media is giving its audience. we stand here with arms outstretched and palms joined at their soft spots, cupped and begging for something we can really believe in and follow to progress. instead of molding and shaping us into intelligent individuals who can resolve to solve today's problems, these shows and pictures and movies play off of our weaknesses - hoping to fool us so we buy the product.
and i have come back every time to see what all this fuss is about - how great this product is. it sears me at the skull to see that the product that is effortlessly sold is one that is drowning life's students. we look to certain mediums for direction yet find ourselves with unnecessarily heightened expectations.
i don't blame anyone but myself for the way i am right now, but i think i can backtrack a little and point a few fingers. my parents didn't tell me about the internal struggles you run into around this time, so naturally, i'm going to turn to whichever visual model is most appropriate for me to follow. however, you can't get into people's heads, so i found myself watching television shows for hours and hours in the past two years hoping to get some sort of answer as to how i work things out and how i go about conducting myself in the most respectable manner. so many seasons and episodes in, i could only take root issues and literary devices and thematic elements masked by poor writing. i had to fish for that shit, but i'm still lost.
every show or movie has the token "we're lost" moment where the character realizes that he has just gone in a circle because that same white rock is under that same ominous tree. its an annoying moment for the protagonist because he has been looking for the way out or the destination for the longest time. for us, it is hilarious.
"haha! he walked in a circle!"
its all fun and games until you start noticing big white rocks in your own life sitting without rhyme or reason under ominous trees reminding you of whats wrong. you're lost, and you're alone, and you're confused. everything you thought would lead you in the right direction has brought you right back to the same point you found yourself at before college, and at the end of high school. sure, you got rid of some excess baggage and acquired some pretty useful tools along the way; you probably even put together a seemingly indestructible force of friends and family but you never realized that they're not lost with you.
your hands shake and slowly this jittery uncertainty drenches your arms and torso and legs until all that is left is your head. and you feel it in your head every time you see that unmistakable tree that looms over you with its invasive slur of branches drowned by leaves thirsty and aching for nutrition. three times - no, four times you've been here now; this desolate place calls for you and sucks you into its vicious cycle and sends you in a spiral out of any semblance of control you ever thought you had.
our protagonist finds himself at the same white rock and black tree he was at a mere seven minutes ago and perches atop the head of the rock. he sits and sighs and defeated, says,
"oh boy, i think i'm lost!"
the audience laughs it off and waits for a screen transition to another character's plotline - a 'meanwhile' sort of event - so they can forget how our principle protagonist originally got lost and inevitably skip to him having found a solution and a path out of his mess; having found that quick fix.
we are conditioned to laugh with sound tracks producing synthesized laughter at this moment. but what if they did it right, and showed the character alone and confused for the two years he can remember being this way for? perhaps its longer, i mean people don't really tend to remember what they'd much rather block out, but what if they made it so that the entire duration of the show had one character lost all the fucking time. who will watch him?
i want so badly to believe that if i just close my eyes, i can find myself far away from the sure signs of lostness i see every so often. i'm not insinuating a solution with little effort, because i'd like to believe that i am putting in a good amount of brain-power and thought into fixing these intricate little knots in my mind. but no matter how much i try and how much i think and how much i apply the works i have seen and the writing i have read to formulate something even remotely close to helping myself or finding the answer or both, i think my way into the same spot. i'm a writer, i'll say that for sure and with gusto even if i haven't written an actual piece in quite some time.
in my first creative writing class during my freshman year in high school i learned the difficult way that you can only write about what you know. i've wanted to deliver a piece of writing so strong for such a long time, but never quite understood how to convey this somewhat seasonal, if not, incessant state of confusion.
i recognize my strengths and my worth and how to use things of that nature to get where i need to be to insure safety and mental well-being, but here i stand knee-deep in the weaknesses i've come to staple on every application and preface every statement with. (i think too much, i talk too fast, i think too fast, i talk too much, this is only a rough recording, this is only a work of fiction, this is poor quality, this is poor quality.) i am lost because i don't know how to get myself out of here. i don't know how to tread in the storm brewing above me as it gradually begins to flood everything around me. in fight club, the main character sees a penguin in an ice cave as his comfortable mental zone. i find myself at a white rock and an ominous tree i've seen before. this feeling is unsettling and unparalleled by any other type of emotional discomfort. i don't know how to become healthier and i don't know how to propel myself to succeed. i only know to take in what i see and process it and love the experience for what it is. i only know to think of others before i open my mouth so i do not put anyone in the way of harm. i am smart and intuitive, considerably well-spoken when i need to be so i tend to watch what i say in case i tarnish my tongue. i am not not happy. i just think as close to too much as it can possibly get. all of these neurotic second-nature functions have done worse for me than i could ever imagine. welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.
nineteen young years have passed and i am tired already. i am lost.
now laugh.
because television is a medium of dramatic performance based off of a script or screenplay someone has written. a screenplay or script should be as honest to the situation as possible, sucking succintly from the teat of full and fruitful foundation of thought while lending as much direction to maintain realism as needed. the better the dialogue and direction is, the more true to life it gets.
there are millions of people watching thousands of different television programs around the world yet of these hundreds and hundreds of talented writers who've found themselves at such major broadcast corporations, not one has delivered one realistic portrayal of real life. and we've spent so much of our time in this technologically dependent generation feeding ourselves at television sets and computers and movie theaters hoping for someone to give us something real for once. every day i hear about a new movie coming out or wrapping up production, or i'll read about some new television pitch and lately i've just been painfully disappointed at what the media is giving its audience. we stand here with arms outstretched and palms joined at their soft spots, cupped and begging for something we can really believe in and follow to progress. instead of molding and shaping us into intelligent individuals who can resolve to solve today's problems, these shows and pictures and movies play off of our weaknesses - hoping to fool us so we buy the product.
and i have come back every time to see what all this fuss is about - how great this product is. it sears me at the skull to see that the product that is effortlessly sold is one that is drowning life's students. we look to certain mediums for direction yet find ourselves with unnecessarily heightened expectations.
i don't blame anyone but myself for the way i am right now, but i think i can backtrack a little and point a few fingers. my parents didn't tell me about the internal struggles you run into around this time, so naturally, i'm going to turn to whichever visual model is most appropriate for me to follow. however, you can't get into people's heads, so i found myself watching television shows for hours and hours in the past two years hoping to get some sort of answer as to how i work things out and how i go about conducting myself in the most respectable manner. so many seasons and episodes in, i could only take root issues and literary devices and thematic elements masked by poor writing. i had to fish for that shit, but i'm still lost.
every show or movie has the token "we're lost" moment where the character realizes that he has just gone in a circle because that same white rock is under that same ominous tree. its an annoying moment for the protagonist because he has been looking for the way out or the destination for the longest time. for us, it is hilarious.
"haha! he walked in a circle!"
its all fun and games until you start noticing big white rocks in your own life sitting without rhyme or reason under ominous trees reminding you of whats wrong. you're lost, and you're alone, and you're confused. everything you thought would lead you in the right direction has brought you right back to the same point you found yourself at before college, and at the end of high school. sure, you got rid of some excess baggage and acquired some pretty useful tools along the way; you probably even put together a seemingly indestructible force of friends and family but you never realized that they're not lost with you.
your hands shake and slowly this jittery uncertainty drenches your arms and torso and legs until all that is left is your head. and you feel it in your head every time you see that unmistakable tree that looms over you with its invasive slur of branches drowned by leaves thirsty and aching for nutrition. three times - no, four times you've been here now; this desolate place calls for you and sucks you into its vicious cycle and sends you in a spiral out of any semblance of control you ever thought you had.
our protagonist finds himself at the same white rock and black tree he was at a mere seven minutes ago and perches atop the head of the rock. he sits and sighs and defeated, says,
"oh boy, i think i'm lost!"
the audience laughs it off and waits for a screen transition to another character's plotline - a 'meanwhile' sort of event - so they can forget how our principle protagonist originally got lost and inevitably skip to him having found a solution and a path out of his mess; having found that quick fix.
we are conditioned to laugh with sound tracks producing synthesized laughter at this moment. but what if they did it right, and showed the character alone and confused for the two years he can remember being this way for? perhaps its longer, i mean people don't really tend to remember what they'd much rather block out, but what if they made it so that the entire duration of the show had one character lost all the fucking time. who will watch him?
i want so badly to believe that if i just close my eyes, i can find myself far away from the sure signs of lostness i see every so often. i'm not insinuating a solution with little effort, because i'd like to believe that i am putting in a good amount of brain-power and thought into fixing these intricate little knots in my mind. but no matter how much i try and how much i think and how much i apply the works i have seen and the writing i have read to formulate something even remotely close to helping myself or finding the answer or both, i think my way into the same spot. i'm a writer, i'll say that for sure and with gusto even if i haven't written an actual piece in quite some time.
in my first creative writing class during my freshman year in high school i learned the difficult way that you can only write about what you know. i've wanted to deliver a piece of writing so strong for such a long time, but never quite understood how to convey this somewhat seasonal, if not, incessant state of confusion.
i recognize my strengths and my worth and how to use things of that nature to get where i need to be to insure safety and mental well-being, but here i stand knee-deep in the weaknesses i've come to staple on every application and preface every statement with. (i think too much, i talk too fast, i think too fast, i talk too much, this is only a rough recording, this is only a work of fiction, this is poor quality, this is poor quality.) i am lost because i don't know how to get myself out of here. i don't know how to tread in the storm brewing above me as it gradually begins to flood everything around me. in fight club, the main character sees a penguin in an ice cave as his comfortable mental zone. i find myself at a white rock and an ominous tree i've seen before. this feeling is unsettling and unparalleled by any other type of emotional discomfort. i don't know how to become healthier and i don't know how to propel myself to succeed. i only know to take in what i see and process it and love the experience for what it is. i only know to think of others before i open my mouth so i do not put anyone in the way of harm. i am smart and intuitive, considerably well-spoken when i need to be so i tend to watch what i say in case i tarnish my tongue. i am not not happy. i just think as close to too much as it can possibly get. all of these neurotic second-nature functions have done worse for me than i could ever imagine. welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.
nineteen young years have passed and i am tired already. i am lost.
now laugh.
6.13.2008
mid-june to-do list
1. limit use of hyphen to only once per subject line.
2. start conjuring up a master post about the 18th year of your life in review. try to include a line from the o.c. in said text. think "welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt."
3. instead of letting your muxtape sit around, make a playlist thats worth it.
4. instead of letting your domain name sit around, make a website.
5. if you can't do step four right away, learn how. work on rss feeds, php databases, and the overall form, function, and style you want the site to take on.
6. stop overdrafting so goddamn much.
7. get started on that collegehumor app so you can at least say you tried to get the job you've wanted since freshman year in high school.
8. figure out what the hell it is that you want to do with your life before or around your birthday because time is running out and it is imperative that you figure your shit out.
9. in addition to the whole career goal thing, stop thinking so much about the purpose of life, and try living it.
10. play more soccer.
11. quit being nervous about this band gig - its a good thing for you.
12. make as much money as you possibly can because you can't afford to ask your parents for the greens anymore.
13. two-a-day. if that goes well, make it one. if that works out, make it zero.
14. reconnect with old friends you kinda lost touch with because of your mental derailment.
15. buy some new clothes, you're wearing the same shit you wore a year or two ago.
16. meet a girl you can make fun of - who will laugh at your stupid jokes and help revive your withering internal construct. make it a real mutual feeling - none of that lob-sided shit.
17. bring your dabbling days to a close, focus on one thing and tear that shit apart.
18. come home for dinner more often.
19. let go of the past. contrary to what may have been the belief for this mind-wrenching past year, the worst is behind you and the best is just around the corner.
20. go to class.
that is a lot, but i guess its time to catch up.
2. start conjuring up a master post about the 18th year of your life in review. try to include a line from the o.c. in said text. think "welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt."
3. instead of letting your muxtape sit around, make a playlist thats worth it.
4. instead of letting your domain name sit around, make a website.
5. if you can't do step four right away, learn how. work on rss feeds, php databases, and the overall form, function, and style you want the site to take on.
6. stop overdrafting so goddamn much.
7. get started on that collegehumor app so you can at least say you tried to get the job you've wanted since freshman year in high school.
12. make as much money as you possibly can because you can't afford to ask your parents for the greens anymore.
13. two-a-day. if that goes well, make it one. if that works out, make it zero.
15. buy some new clothes, you're wearing the same shit you wore a year or two ago.
16. meet a girl you can make fun of - who will laugh at your stupid jokes and help revive your withering internal construct. make it a real mutual feeling - none of that lob-sided shit.
17. bring your dabbling days to a close, focus on one thing and tear that shit apart.
18. come home for dinner more often.
19. let go of the past. contrary to what may have been the belief for this mind-wrenching past year, the worst is behind you and the best is just around the corner.
20. go to class.
that is a lot, but i guess its time to catch up.
6.11.2008
fresh
i cannot believe it has been almost a month since i last updated.
its interesting because i can't say much for what i've been up to since i've moved to williamsburg. perhaps its because i have no job, or i see myself exactly where i was when i first hit college life - completely lost and absolutely clueless about everything to do with life. i've applied to a few places, but i haven't really heard back from anywhere yet. the online lit-mag that i applied to a few weeks ago claimed they were busy with issue #4 but i was a promising candidate for the internship. i e-mailed them a few days ago inquiring about the status of my application but i have not yet heard back. i also applied to american apparel and urban outfitters. at first, i was a little reluctant about applying to urban outfitters just because of the circumstances of the job, the location, and the fact that it was retail. i figured it would be more important for me to work somewhere that is conducive to my temporarily unrealized goals as an english major. but in this period of sheer desperation, i've been throwing myself at whichever opportunity comes or asks or provides me with the best dream about working (and having money). not having money at this juncture in my life is the most debilitating thing that could be happening right now. i'd like to have money for outside food and nights out and things i'd normally indulge in if i had the money. i'd like to pay back debts and have enough cash to bump my off-peak new jersey transit ticket up to a peak time ticket.
unfortunately, i had to wait in newark for an hour before getting on an off-peak train. to tell you the truth, yes, i heard the announcement saying that all tickets that had ORT printed on them wouldn't be accepted without the three dollar surcharge to bump it up from off-peak to peak. but did i have money to pay the bastard? no. i was sitting there, preparing myself for a discourse that would require the most nonchalance. the ticket-collecting prick was a no-nonsense, no-bullshit kinda guy, which i halfway respect if you've got the stones to back it up. if you want to be no-bs, then you have to handle the situation - don't send me five cars down to the conductor. i was looking for the conductor, and as i walk back towards my seat, i find myself standing in front of this fat fuck with the token gold chain hanging over his undershirt exposed by buttons that should have remained buttoned.
"do you know where i can find the conductor?"
"i am the conductor."
"okay, well there was an issue with my ticket in the front. apparently, i am supposed to have a peak ticket that doesn't read ort, but i didn't know about this, and i don't really have the money to give you."
"how did you not hear me? i made the announcement three times before leaving."
"i must've got on the train later on - "
"when? when is later on?" (douche-bag indicator)
"after you made whatever announcements you made,"
"well i made one right before we left. you don't have the right ticket so you'll have to get off of my train."
"whatever, whens the next off-peak train?"
fuck new jersey transit and their generally smelly trains. fuck their obese and unable conductors. fuck the cock sucking pricks like the two guys i had to run into today, because those guys made what could've been such a smooth trip back home something fucking terrible. i puss-ed out in the moment, but i sure as hell should've started a fight with this motherfucker regardless of how right he may have been. the fact of the matter is that i am a student - like the elderly and the women and children, i get a share of preference. people know the elderly by how slow they are and the women by how beautiful they are and the children by how fucking loud and obnoxious they are. but how about the students? why can't you help a scholar out? i don't have money, but that fat pig and the son of a cunt didn't have to speak like such assholes.
getting off the train, i almost cried because i was so infuriated by what had just happened. i got kicked off a fucking train! perhaps i'm being a little irrational, and i bet i am, this is all still the heat of the moment (wasn't it hot today?) but i did not like the way i was spoken to today. if nothing else, THAT is bullshit.
i thought that by writing all that out, i would feel better, but i only feel as angry and heated as i did then. regardless of all that bullshit and my verbal excretion of expletives, i can say that i am surely glad to be home right now. the past few weeks have been insane from the party to last night. a lot of people have been over and we've had some great times. i think its time for a good break from brooklyn - at least until sunday. i plan on relaxing here and just take time off from rather annoying things in the burg such as having no money or pooping my pants.
last night, mattan, don, liza, pat and i went to mccarren park to try and sneak into the death cab show there. we didn't really have to sneak into anything because you could hear them and see the lights, and it was completely beautiful. i climbed the tree, mattan and pat climbed up real high, but i couldn't do as much because i cut my hand pretty badly. from what i can tell, an infection is beginning to surface and i think i'm okay with that.
when it started pouring real hard last night, we went to the soccer field after everyone left the pool and ran around and kicked the ball around in this pouring rain under the park floodlights. in addition to finding this ridiculously sexy adidas telstar ball, i remember being the happiest i had been in a while when i punted the ball and just looked up to find it but realized that it was lost somewhere in the bright lights. even if it was just for a split-second, before my eyelids flooded with these huge gobs of water-drops, i saw the lights, the rain, and the ball spinning in the air. in that brief moment, i felt truly infinite.
i want to run real soon. run real hard and real fast and real far away.
its interesting because i can't say much for what i've been up to since i've moved to williamsburg. perhaps its because i have no job, or i see myself exactly where i was when i first hit college life - completely lost and absolutely clueless about everything to do with life. i've applied to a few places, but i haven't really heard back from anywhere yet. the online lit-mag that i applied to a few weeks ago claimed they were busy with issue #4 but i was a promising candidate for the internship. i e-mailed them a few days ago inquiring about the status of my application but i have not yet heard back. i also applied to american apparel and urban outfitters. at first, i was a little reluctant about applying to urban outfitters just because of the circumstances of the job, the location, and the fact that it was retail. i figured it would be more important for me to work somewhere that is conducive to my temporarily unrealized goals as an english major. but in this period of sheer desperation, i've been throwing myself at whichever opportunity comes or asks or provides me with the best dream about working (and having money). not having money at this juncture in my life is the most debilitating thing that could be happening right now. i'd like to have money for outside food and nights out and things i'd normally indulge in if i had the money. i'd like to pay back debts and have enough cash to bump my off-peak new jersey transit ticket up to a peak time ticket.
unfortunately, i had to wait in newark for an hour before getting on an off-peak train. to tell you the truth, yes, i heard the announcement saying that all tickets that had ORT printed on them wouldn't be accepted without the three dollar surcharge to bump it up from off-peak to peak. but did i have money to pay the bastard? no. i was sitting there, preparing myself for a discourse that would require the most nonchalance. the ticket-collecting prick was a no-nonsense, no-bullshit kinda guy, which i halfway respect if you've got the stones to back it up. if you want to be no-bs, then you have to handle the situation - don't send me five cars down to the conductor. i was looking for the conductor, and as i walk back towards my seat, i find myself standing in front of this fat fuck with the token gold chain hanging over his undershirt exposed by buttons that should have remained buttoned.
"do you know where i can find the conductor?"
"i am the conductor."
"okay, well there was an issue with my ticket in the front. apparently, i am supposed to have a peak ticket that doesn't read ort, but i didn't know about this, and i don't really have the money to give you."
"how did you not hear me? i made the announcement three times before leaving."
"i must've got on the train later on - "
"when? when is later on?" (douche-bag indicator)
"after you made whatever announcements you made,"
"well i made one right before we left. you don't have the right ticket so you'll have to get off of my train."
"whatever, whens the next off-peak train?"
fuck new jersey transit and their generally smelly trains. fuck their obese and unable conductors. fuck the cock sucking pricks like the two guys i had to run into today, because those guys made what could've been such a smooth trip back home something fucking terrible. i puss-ed out in the moment, but i sure as hell should've started a fight with this motherfucker regardless of how right he may have been. the fact of the matter is that i am a student - like the elderly and the women and children, i get a share of preference. people know the elderly by how slow they are and the women by how beautiful they are and the children by how fucking loud and obnoxious they are. but how about the students? why can't you help a scholar out? i don't have money, but that fat pig and the son of a cunt didn't have to speak like such assholes.
getting off the train, i almost cried because i was so infuriated by what had just happened. i got kicked off a fucking train! perhaps i'm being a little irrational, and i bet i am, this is all still the heat of the moment (wasn't it hot today?) but i did not like the way i was spoken to today. if nothing else, THAT is bullshit.
i thought that by writing all that out, i would feel better, but i only feel as angry and heated as i did then. regardless of all that bullshit and my verbal excretion of expletives, i can say that i am surely glad to be home right now. the past few weeks have been insane from the party to last night. a lot of people have been over and we've had some great times. i think its time for a good break from brooklyn - at least until sunday. i plan on relaxing here and just take time off from rather annoying things in the burg such as having no money or pooping my pants.
last night, mattan, don, liza, pat and i went to mccarren park to try and sneak into the death cab show there. we didn't really have to sneak into anything because you could hear them and see the lights, and it was completely beautiful. i climbed the tree, mattan and pat climbed up real high, but i couldn't do as much because i cut my hand pretty badly. from what i can tell, an infection is beginning to surface and i think i'm okay with that.
when it started pouring real hard last night, we went to the soccer field after everyone left the pool and ran around and kicked the ball around in this pouring rain under the park floodlights. in addition to finding this ridiculously sexy adidas telstar ball, i remember being the happiest i had been in a while when i punted the ball and just looked up to find it but realized that it was lost somewhere in the bright lights. even if it was just for a split-second, before my eyelids flooded with these huge gobs of water-drops, i saw the lights, the rain, and the ball spinning in the air. in that brief moment, i felt truly infinite.
i want to run real soon. run real hard and real fast and real far away.
5.19.2008
hey
all of a sudden, i actually enjoy being at home. i am not even inclined to go to new york this evening, even though i know i should. i know i don't have to. i understand that i don't have to live in new york this summer, that i am only doing it for the sheer fun of being some place like that. the place i am at right now is absolutely gorgeous and its in a perfect area, but i think this weekend has definitely upped my respect and love for home in new jersey. it isn't that bad at all, and when the right people are around, everything is damn near perfect.
i want to know how to import my blog into my website. i feel like mihirkelkar.com is going to complete waste right now, especially because i have absolutely nothing up and i bought it about a month or two ago. fuck, man. i should figure it out and get my shit together.
right now i think i'm going to go shower and drive around to the sounds of my latest car mix. its risky business, i know.
has anyone noticed how much my writing sucks lately? like this is bullshit. i tend to pride myself on my ability to formulate a good ensemble of words but this literary ineptitude is just balls. complete balls.
i want to know how to import my blog into my website. i feel like mihirkelkar.com is going to complete waste right now, especially because i have absolutely nothing up and i bought it about a month or two ago. fuck, man. i should figure it out and get my shit together.
right now i think i'm going to go shower and drive around to the sounds of my latest car mix. its risky business, i know.
has anyone noticed how much my writing sucks lately? like this is bullshit. i tend to pride myself on my ability to formulate a good ensemble of words but this literary ineptitude is just balls. complete balls.
5.13.2008
now its on
about twenty minutes have passed since tom and i moved the room back into order. moving it back was a lot easier than moving it to where it was in the first place. i suppose its always like that though; taking things and putting them back the way they were. i've found that the hardest things in life require some effort and a significant amount of planning. we need pretty good spatial skills to arrange the room the way we did, but skills alone didn't accomplish the task. its all about application. i can have all the potential that people play me up to have, but its really nothing without moving shit around and doing something about what you've got. i'm going to stop drawing out a pretty non-renewable metaphor. i don't want to kill it.
anyway, i think today was the heavy hit of all the past few days. virtually everyone has left, and if they haven't left yet, its happening soon. its weird to see blank walls and empty dressers. obviously, the more surreal aspect of it is the absence of the people i lived with for almost a year. i've never lived with my friends, but i think it was a great first run. i'll save you from the seemingly processed sap that i usually come up with at times like this and just state that i'll miss these guys. summer hasn't even hit yet, but i know it'll be shit if i don't have a good time.
and maybe i won't. the apartment situation seems to be falling apart. everything was fine and all papers were signed and money was deposited, but i think that my friend is really having a rocky old time right now, so i think i understand. it doesn't mean that my plans and aspirations for the summer aren't crushed - because i'd like to say they are. i'm going to have to hope that things smooth over and we'll be able to get this place because hilariously enough, i began falling for it. if the problem doesn't fix itself, then i'm afraid i'll have to figure something out - or at least try. who knows what'll happen. i wish i did so i knew whether i had to move into 467, bum out at someone else's place, or the morbidly depressing option of having to go home to south brunswick.
after we put all the dormiture back to its default place, i hooked the speakers back up again and turned on whatever music came to mind. grandaddy is the real ticket in this deathly empty yet gloriously sun-smothered room. although the music is completely melodious and upbeat, there is a layer of essence that just defines the surrender to life's closed roads and delayed trains - a layer that complements its enthusiastic other half by lending a very honest and innocent emptiness.
how did my teeth get so bad.
anyway, i think today was the heavy hit of all the past few days. virtually everyone has left, and if they haven't left yet, its happening soon. its weird to see blank walls and empty dressers. obviously, the more surreal aspect of it is the absence of the people i lived with for almost a year. i've never lived with my friends, but i think it was a great first run. i'll save you from the seemingly processed sap that i usually come up with at times like this and just state that i'll miss these guys. summer hasn't even hit yet, but i know it'll be shit if i don't have a good time.
and maybe i won't. the apartment situation seems to be falling apart. everything was fine and all papers were signed and money was deposited, but i think that my friend is really having a rocky old time right now, so i think i understand. it doesn't mean that my plans and aspirations for the summer aren't crushed - because i'd like to say they are. i'm going to have to hope that things smooth over and we'll be able to get this place because hilariously enough, i began falling for it. if the problem doesn't fix itself, then i'm afraid i'll have to figure something out - or at least try. who knows what'll happen. i wish i did so i knew whether i had to move into 467, bum out at someone else's place, or the morbidly depressing option of having to go home to south brunswick.
after we put all the dormiture back to its default place, i hooked the speakers back up again and turned on whatever music came to mind. grandaddy is the real ticket in this deathly empty yet gloriously sun-smothered room. although the music is completely melodious and upbeat, there is a layer of essence that just defines the surrender to life's closed roads and delayed trains - a layer that complements its enthusiastic other half by lending a very honest and innocent emptiness.
how did my teeth get so bad.
5.09.2008
game
in advance, please excuse my lack of coherence on this matter as it is most troubling most immediately. i didn't have anywhere to come but here.
for the past few days, i can say that i have been happier. the end of the semester and summer coming in has marked a steady improvement in my mood and my overall mental state. now it is pretty clear and evident that i had my rough year this year - that this was it - but after submitting my forms and getting my major changed, i felt an intense weight suddenly lift off my chest. this day continued on a good note and everything was going relatively well until i started noticing people leaving school to go back home. first, it was a few people i didn't even know. next, it was the assortment of acquaintances that started checking out. then, i saw people on my floor - friends, and other artificial flavors - packing up and clearing things out.
the year is over. first year of college has gone by ridiculously fast, and i caught it all from the victories to the losses. i did good things this year. i did great things this year. i also hurt myself a lot, and found myself in the deepest and darkest ditches. but all of that is over. the summer is here, and more new things will come about and i will take them on like i took on this year, but i can't help but admit that i am a little afraid.
see, this year was the year that i learned to think as a group, and in doing so, i learned to think for myself. the statement is oddly worded, i know, but it makes all too much sense. i figured out just how much of a lunatic i am this year, and i learned to cope with it to a certain extent because of the people i have been around the entire year. and on the verge of this mental breakthrough that i mentioned at the beginning of the post, i am scared that i could lose all my cards once i leave direct contact with the friends that i established and so luckily maintained. this fear is perhaps unfounded, but even 36 hours of sleep deprivation to shift my sleep cycle into focus won't put me down.
summer excitement is all around with the apartment in works and plans with friends and friends with plans, but i feel peach-pit sized swallows as i think of fending for myself this summer. it scares me, but i think i am ready to step up already.
i've been talking way too much to not have done anything until this point.
for the past few days, i can say that i have been happier. the end of the semester and summer coming in has marked a steady improvement in my mood and my overall mental state. now it is pretty clear and evident that i had my rough year this year - that this was it - but after submitting my forms and getting my major changed, i felt an intense weight suddenly lift off my chest. this day continued on a good note and everything was going relatively well until i started noticing people leaving school to go back home. first, it was a few people i didn't even know. next, it was the assortment of acquaintances that started checking out. then, i saw people on my floor - friends, and other artificial flavors - packing up and clearing things out.
the year is over. first year of college has gone by ridiculously fast, and i caught it all from the victories to the losses. i did good things this year. i did great things this year. i also hurt myself a lot, and found myself in the deepest and darkest ditches. but all of that is over. the summer is here, and more new things will come about and i will take them on like i took on this year, but i can't help but admit that i am a little afraid.
see, this year was the year that i learned to think as a group, and in doing so, i learned to think for myself. the statement is oddly worded, i know, but it makes all too much sense. i figured out just how much of a lunatic i am this year, and i learned to cope with it to a certain extent because of the people i have been around the entire year. and on the verge of this mental breakthrough that i mentioned at the beginning of the post, i am scared that i could lose all my cards once i leave direct contact with the friends that i established and so luckily maintained. this fear is perhaps unfounded, but even 36 hours of sleep deprivation to shift my sleep cycle into focus won't put me down.
summer excitement is all around with the apartment in works and plans with friends and friends with plans, but i feel peach-pit sized swallows as i think of fending for myself this summer. it scares me, but i think i am ready to step up already.
i've been talking way too much to not have done anything until this point.
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